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Impact Review – The Deeper We Get, the Easier the Sinking

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7/22/15 – Scott Strandberg – @wrestlerosters

 

Matt Hardy def. Bobby roode in a tables match to become #1 Contender for the World Heavyweight Championship

Matt hit an early Side Effect, but Roode recovered with a clothesline. The action spilled outside, where Matt repeatedly bounced Roode’s head off of a table. Matt tried to suplex Roode through the table, but Roode reversed it by suplexing Matt onto the ring steps.

Roode set a table on top of Matt, then stomped on it. Roode set up a table in the corner, but Matt fought back with a diving elbow drop. Roode recovered to hit a spinebuster, but Matt responded with Twist of Fate.

Matt laid Roode onto a table, then climbed up top. Roode recovered in time to knock Matt back down into the ring. Roode rushed at Matt, who dumped him over the top rope and through a table on the floor.

Scott’s Thoughts: Considering all of the poor material on this episode, it is inexplicable that the one compelling match on the card was given just seven minutes.

 

Eli Drake explains his pointless turn from Drew Galloway

Drake cut a very poor promo, saying that he had gotten sick of Drew telling people to stand up (why is that a bad thing…?). Drake repeatedly said that his name is “E-LI DRAKE,” and that he had to tell them this because no one knew who he was, as Drew had always done the talking. None of this explained *anything*, not that it would have made anyone care about Drake anyway.

Galloway entered, accusing Drake of ending The Rising on purpose to make a name for himself. Drew said that nothing in his life had hurt as badly as Drake turning on him, which is funny because he knew the guy for like three months and they achieved no success whatsoever. Drew said he could still make Drake famous by kicking his ass.

They brawled around for a bit, until Drake rolled out of the ring and retreated up the ramp.

Scott’s Thoughts: This feud was dead on arrival, seeing as absolutely no one cares about Eli Drake, and this isn’t going to change that. It is extremely obvious that Galloway isn’t going to job to a guy like Drake — and The Rising was never remotely over with fans — so there is zero drama or stakes in this feud.

 

James Storm reveals newest member of The Revolution as the crowd goes mild

Storm said that lost people are easy to find these days, and that he had founded The Revolution on the principle that anyone is free to join him. Storm belittled Mickie James for not joining him, saying that he had given her opportunities she could only dream of elsewhere. He’s probably right; I don’t see anyone else throwing her in front of a train.

Storm introduced the newest member of The Revolution, Serena. I honestly had no idea who this woman was at first, and neither did the crowd, so that made me feel a bit better. It took me about 30 seconds to recognize her as CM Punk’s bald valet from the Straight Edge Society back in 2010. She now has hair.

Serena said that Mickie once considered Serena her protege, but that when Mickie caught her big break, she left Serena behind. Serena said that Mickie broke her heart, and Storm promised to embarrass Mickie and Magnus.

Scott’s Thoughts: Why did they build this big reveal angle around bringing in someone who no one has seen on television in over five years, and looks absolutely nothing like she did when she was on TV? I mean, seriously. What was the thought process here?

Furthermore, why am I supposed to care? Punk’s former valet has hair now and is going to wrestle. Uh…so what?

 

Taryn Terrell throws a tantrum, Gail Kim does more Undertaker stuff, Brooke’s here too

The Dollhouse entered a steel cage, and Taryn said that she would lock herself into the cage until Bully Ray gives her a title match. Brooke entered, saying that Taryn did this to herself. Brooke said that the fans are happy to see her as champ, and that Taryn can’t stand it when they chant Brooke’s name (has that ever happened?).

Brooke said that if Taryn wants the title, she can come get it. Taryn got out of the cage, only for Gail Kim’s music to hit and the lights went off. When the lights came back on, Gail was locked inside the cage with Jade and Marti Bell. Gail picked apart Jade and Marti, as Brooke chased Taryn around the ring. Taryn ran up the entrance ramp and threw a tantrum.

Scott’s Thoughts: The damage TNA has done to the Knockouts Division in just a few weeks is amazing. We’re going to need a new moniker for Gail. Perhaps The Gailtaker? Yes, The Gailtaker. At any rate, why is the title on Brooke, when the feud is between Taryn and Gail?

Brooke is so tangential to this feud that it makes it even more inexplicable to see her walking around with the title belt. The champ should never be a shoehorned third wheel in a feud. Ridiculous.

 

Bram def. Magnus by pinfall in a street fight

Magnus knocked Bram down with a clothesline, then followed up with a superplex. Bram fought back by hitting Magnus with a trash can lid, a cookie sheet, a trash can, and another trash can lid. Bram came up empty on an elbow drop, and Magnus hit a missile dropkick. Magnus put a trash can on Bram’s head and hit it twice with a chair.

Magnus climbed up top for a flying elbow drop, but Bram kicked out. Bram knocked over Earl Hebner, and Magnus hit a sidewalk slam. Hebner wasn’t able to get up in time to count the pinfall, but only counted two before Bram kicked out. Bram hit Magnus with a low blow and pinned him for the victory.

James Storm entered the ring and hit Magnus in the back of the head with his cowbell.

Scott’s Thoughts: Just your typical “Bram hits people in the head with thin sheets of metal” match.

 

Eric Young def. Rockstar Spud by pinfall in a chain match

EY repeatedly swung the chain at Spud and missed, until Spud yanked the chain, pulling EY into the ring post. EY clotheslined Spud with the chain for two, then hit Spud in the back with the chain. Spud crawled between EY’s legs and crotched him with the chain, then flipped him off.

Spud hit EY in the back with the chain repeatedly, but EY recovered and hit a piledriver for the pinfall.

Scott’s Thoughts: I don’t really understand why this match happened.

 

Tigre Uno addresses Donald Trump

Tigre said that most Mexicans who come to America are good people, then listed off several careers Mexicans excel at in America — “Some are even landlords!” Tigre challenged Trump to come to the Impact Zone next week to see what a real Mexican is like.

Scott’s Thoughts: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, boy. This was every bit as dumb as I’d hoped it would be. What an extremely sad stab at cultural relevance this is.

 

– Continuing their quest to show the whole Slammiversary PPV on free TV, the King of the Mountain match aired in its entirety. This cheap filler took up 25 minutes — roughly 30% of the entire episode. Amazing.




@WrestleRosters