8/20/15 – Scott Strandberg – @wrestlerosters
Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, Randy Orton and Cesaro def. Luke Harper, Bray Wyatt, Kevin Owens and Sheamus by pinfall
In a desperate attempt to kill time on what was already one of the worst wrestling shows I’ve watched in years (well, nowhere near as bad as Triplemania, but you get the point), each of the eight wrestlers made a full entrance. The entrances took so long that they started immediately following a commercial break, then entered another commercial break, then finished the entrances, then hit another commercial break. In case you’re wondering — commercials included — this took nearly 20 full minutes.
Cesaro hit a delayed vertical suplex on Owens to start things off, but Harper knocked Cesaro down with a big boot. Owens tagged back in and hit a cannonball, and Sheamus added a rolling senton. Wyatt hit Cesaro with a running senton, and Owens followed up with one of his own.
Sheamus planted Cesaro with an Irish Curse backbreaker, but Cesaro finally fought back with a dropkick. Cesaro reached Reigns for the hot tag, which gave Reigns the opportunity to do Reigns stuff, by which I mean several different kinds of clotheslines. I counted 14 clotheslines before Reigns used another move, which was a Drive-By.
Reigns hit Samoan drops on Sheamus, Harper and Owens. Sheamus answered with a tilt-a-whirl slam, then mocked Batista’s thumbs-up for god knows what reason, seeing as we haven’t seen Batista in well over a year. Whatever. Reigns recovered and hit a Superman punch. Ambrose and Harper tagged in.
Ambrose hit a running bulldog, a rebound clothesline, and a dive between the ropes. Ambrose followed up with a diving elbow and Dirty Deeds to finish the match.
Scott’s Thoughts: What’s even more pointless than a six-man tag team main event? You got it…an eight-man tag!
Ryback and Big Show wrestled to a double countout
Show opened up the offense with a clothesline and a gorilla press slam. Ryback fought back with a very ugly attempt at a spinebuster that saw Big Show land on his arm rather than his back. Show responded with an absolutely hideous looking spear, following up with a “dropkick” in which he got maybe six inches off the ground.
Tom Phillips addressed fans’ worst fears on commentary, saying “This is what it could look like on Sunday!” The action spilled outside and Ryback clotheslined Show, which somehow made them both crash through the barricade. They were both counted out to mercifully end one of the worst televised matches in recent history, and this is coming from someone who has watched Grado wrestle.
Scott’s Thoughts: I can’t believe that made it onto TV. That was so bad that it either should have been cut, or re-taped. As it turned out, both men deeply embarrassed themselves here. If you had never seen these guys before, you would instantly assume that The Miz is the prohibitive favorite in the IC Title match at SummerSlam, simply because he is competent.
Neville def. Bo Dallas by pinfall
Bo hit repeated knee drops and a short-arm clothesline for two. Neville hit a springboard crossbody, but Bo rolled through for another near-fall. Neville fought back with an enziguiri and hit the Red Arrow for the squash victory. After the match, Stardust and King Barrett cut a quick Titantron promo against Neville and Stephen Amell.
Scott’s Thoughts: This match was about 90 seconds long, and was easily the best thing that happened in the first hour of Smackdown.
Brie Bella def. Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks by pinfall in a triple threat match
Nikki cut a promo about how special she is for being only 26 days away from breaking AJ Lee’s record for longest Divas Championship reign. Honestly, it’s not too hard to hold onto your title when you never defend it. For those of you wondering, Nikki’s last title defense was on June 14.
Nikki said Sasha was lucky that she beat her on Raw, and that it wouldn’t happen again. Team BAD and Becky/Charlotte entered, so I guess we’ll have a match now. Forgetting that she’s a heel — which she does several times per hour — Brie hit Daniel Bryan’s signature kicks on Sasha. She then Brie Moded her way to running knees on both Becky and Sasha.
Sasha hit Brie and Becky with her double-knee to the gut. Becky hit a dropkick to Brie, followed by a T-bone suplex on Sasha. Becky followed up with a thrust kick and another T-bone to Brie. Brie rolled Becky up and grabbed her tights to earn the cheap win.
Scott’s Thoughts: Nothing gets me excited quite like heels cutting promos on heels, only to have the heels respond heelishly. The match wasn’t good either. Why the hell did this segment exist? Why did this episode exist? Why are you still reading this? This Smackdown was so bad that I wouldn’t even recommend reading this review, not to mention watching the show.
Dolph Ziggler and Rusev exchange words
Ziggler and Lana rambled on for a very long time without saying anything of importance. They then kissed, and Rusev’s custom Bulgarian flag dropped from the rafters as Rusev and Summer entered. Rusev told Ziggler that he doesn’t know what pain is, but that he’ll “show you a pain” at Summerslam. Okay, great.
Scott’s Thoughts: I legitimately felt bad for everyone involved in this segment.
New Day def. Los Matadores and El Torito by pinfall
Woods hit a corner dropkick on Fernando. El Torito tagged in and hit a hurricanrana on Woods, but Big E tagged in and hit a backbreaker, followed by a splash. Big E tagged Woods back in, and he pinned Torito.
Scott’s Thoughts: Diego now wears a black arm sleeve on his left arm, while Fernando has a purple sleeve on his right arm. How helpful. Despite this, Phillips got them mixed up on commentary a few minutes into the match, incorrectly referring to Fernando as Diego. Los Matadores are the worst.